Today was quite a lame chirstmas as...many many things happened and it was rather...haixx dun wanna mention already since those matters are bad memories~To me its kindaf retribution as i really wonder what good things have i even done to deserve all the good stuff that people do for me~
I finally realised..in order deserve to be pamered alot of things from now onwards alot of effort needed to be put in, strong will power is required and...sacrifices are required and i self - promise that no matter what i will bear all the pain and everything that is needed.no matter how miserable i feel i have no choice....its time i face the cruel reality.feel rather retard today, should have gone to join mum and sis but cuz of many factors, i decided to spend my chrismas alone and seems that i've made a right choice.hard to discribe but i dont know why..walking among the large crowd but my heart feels so empty~~But to sum up the day, i went tiong baru plaza especially to watch a movie which is called bed time story which i wished i called my frens along as i watched the movie i felt as empty deep in my heart.
I smuggled an ice lemon tea from 7-11 into the cinema.After that, i alighted the MRT at outram park planning to go harbour front but due to some factors, decided to dash all the way back to the mrt and took a train to suntect for nothing and took bus 36 from there and alight at st.partick there and in hgh heels, i walked all the way back to my house void deck and sat there for a while.While i was sitting there, i realised many things again. i felt so miserable when keeping something from someone but i would rather suffer alone! But i realised also that i should just tell the person and not keep anything anymore.The concern that i show for people is really far to less... i would really wanna show but seriously i really don't know how...
i feel really terrible..what should i do? Keeping things from them is not what am i gonna do...Its time for a whole make over....I nid to plan my future again...To be frank i hate people gimme things out of pity especially love relatonships or stuff... if its out of pity i would rather not have one...I'm a rather unreasonable person and i finally realised it today.People once told me that i was not like this when i was in Primary school....
i hope that i could really reverse back to who am i in primary school but its so difficult but i'm still gonna try~I wanna be respected and of course... _ _ _ ed....but its so hard~ really i find it...i decided... i'm gonna be less emotional, take easy for everything, not gonna expect, not gonna wish, not gonna hide, not gonna be selfish, unreasonable...Gonna treat you both better, ____ the both of you dearly, give up my everything to protect.I feel no better lying to ___ everytime and hide my true feelings~i really dont know how to treat ____ better noe..
full of regrets, miserys and..etc... Feel terrible today cuz of many things but especially hearing you all so heartache cuz i kept a trival matter of my feelings from you all....but have u all ever thought that hearing u all react this way i would feel even worse that i would rather be the one taking the pain rather than u all? i noe i shld not hav kept these from you all but i didn't noe it wld matter so much to you all and...its actually a small matter to me...feel so bad really...
think that this christmas would be one of the worst christmas we ever had... feel better after you all yelled at me cuz i feel really bad at that point of time where you all just talked to mee like normal... i took you all for granted for long and yet you all did not scold me... i feel that its so hard to pull close the distance thats between us and..its so hard to pull it near..and i feel so exhusted but yet sad~At the same time... i felt abit betrayed~but you are forgiven as i dun blame you...Okays people, signing off from here!
But still.... wish all of you a...
Labels: ~Worst Christmas~
