Its count down 9 days to o levels.. Its pressurizing.. No one else i can tell.. Perhaps posting it on blog might be the best solution. I'm screwed for 0s but working hard for it already.. Nobody will understand man..Ok whatever. No one understands i'll swallow it. Doesn't matter at all.. Its just me.
Okay.. Dad just scolded me for one hour in the room on thursday. Just because i have my handphone beside me when i study. To him, studying = no handphone, no dreaming and etc. It suck big time being scolded one day after you nearly got molested or shld i say raped? But it is something i cannot tell anyone in my family. Dad threatened to take away my allowance, handphone and freedom.. Ok accepted. The worst blow he can ever strike me is.. He said i was just a responsibility. This sentence made me understand why he locked me in the car, cane me, scold me and do all sorts of things that he will never do to my sister. So thats the difference between a child who is loved and a child who is just a responsibility. It is heart breaking, but he didn't knew.. Though i should be used to it since young, but.. It hurts. Who knows? Never mind.. I stand alone from now onwards.
Now, when i sit on the bus, i would only dare to sit at the most back seat without the black colour handle. i don't even dare to fall asleep. i worry something or someone might do something to me. i dont dare to look back, i worry i'll see a camera when i turn back. That is how horrifying it is to me. It haunts me like shadow.. I fear, i'm scared, can someone shield me? Protect me? I'm so horrified.. He is in NS, he cant hear my screams. But he called me on thurday. He seem quite mad with what happened. I wish he won't do anything rush. Sometimes i wonder, should i be the bait just to let him see what type of person he is. Okay better not have such horrible thinking. i might ended up really being eaten.
Alot of things are clouding me. On 15 oct, friday, i went east coast park with irfan and jianli. We went to cycle. I taught ah li how cycle, chey=P Just the foundations luh. Irfan my mentor teach more effective. We were practicing braking, then irfan started the wake joke. Cause ah li braked 3 sec later after irfan shouted brake and irfan will say.. Alamak.. see you at wake already luh. Had an enjoyable time.
We just went bedok jetty sit sit a while. After that we cycled to Let the wind be your fuel place. It seems soo long since i last went cycling. But whenever cycling i'll usually be the last de..i went to get a different bike this time. Black colour one quite nice. Ah li keep banging into me. After refreshing ourselves, we cycled back to bedok jetty nearby. I saw a baby girl but younger than fabian. She just reminds me of the fact that i am the jiejie of randal and fabian when i thought i am numb. Now i know i'm not. I miss them very badly in fact. Played with her a while. She was quite curious about my smart bike. DiDi used to be curious about pulling my hair..Biting my finger.. Does he still miss me and think about me? Randal used to like spinning me around and pull me around running at times... I miss playing london bridge where jon and me hold hands and the bridge and catch them when the song ends... Are these just dreams? These thoughts were flashing though my mind. Ah li's bike got problem again, irfan comes to the rescue and fixed his bike. We went to food center there and had coconut. That was what always what i loved to do but had no chance to do with jon. haha. Pathetic..
Ok we were late to go back to the bike shop. While speeding, the thoughts of jon, randal, fabian and noodles came to my mind. Suddenly my mind went blank and my bike lost control and crashed into the bushes. Not very serious a few scratches. Except my whole bike was infested with red ants. Luckily irfan chase them away for me. If not mati. Irfan's ass was hurting cuz his seat slanted. went bike shop and adjust. Exchanged numbers with someone in the bike shop. Ah li and me decided to buy each our own bike from irfan. 500bucks within 2 months. How to get.. Try luh. cause i like that bike.
Homed and showered and eaten. Ah li asked me for some money cuz he pok liao. Went with him in night dress to buy drink. No face. When irfan saw me he thought saw ghost sia.. Nvm. Usual reaction. Ah Li send me home and he went home. Hope he never lost his way. When i went home, started doing maths. Noodle's issue came to my mind suddenly. Lost concentration. Again dad scolded me. I can only swallow tears into my stomach. Atika told me read her facebook and twitter.. Something happened? Jon message me leh! But is to ask for the number of the kids rather than wanna know how am i la... Its okay. I'm happy too.. even the main agenda is not asking about me.. Feel apologetic cause called him during his duty. But no choice la i need go rest liao la. But need tell benson if we free what..He never blame me la.. Not as if i want to call you after i cry. But i have no choice. I hate letting you hear me cry de actually. It make me sound so weak. You may not know, but hearing your voice is a console. Its a bit weird he asked me for the kid's number.... Knew that this day will come but never expect so fast. After that slept in already. Happy that jon booking out tomorrow=) [though i won't get to meet him till 13 nov *sighs*]
Labels: Upsetting day
